Doug enrolled in hospice on June 29, and he died on September 9.
His last weeks were very difficult, and the last days were excruciating. The drugs were making him unable to respond at all. So we - hospice nurse and me - tried cutting down the dosage by half. But that caused Doug to become so agitated and restless that we had to increase the doses of morphine and haldol. His poor body could not be comfortable in that hospital bed no matter how much I tried repositioning him. My dear neighbors, pastor Tom, and anyone who came over would help me change him and prop him up with pillows. Doug became unresponsive. I used oral swabs to moisten his mouth.
The last three days I prayed for God to release him from the agony and take him up to heaven. On the day he died, the hospice nurse was here. She had stopped in to check on him and was about to leave when she looked at him one more time and told me that she was going to stay and do some paperwork at our table. I was standing at Doug's side when his breathing became very irregular. Finally he took one last breath at 3:00 p.m., then no more. The nurse came over and said that he was gone.
My first reaction was relief that his suffering was over. Joy that Doug was now in the loving arms of Jesus, with no more suffering. This world is not our true home. Now Doug is in his forever home with God. Praise the Lord!
I was bone-tired. Our pastor came right away, and my very kind neighbor stayed with me too, until the crematory came to take away Doug's body. Pastor Zach made a phone call and got a date for Doug's memorial service. My neighbor helped me make the necessary phone calls to notify friends and family. The hospice nurse made the official calls to the coroner and crematory.
Kelly and Jamee, my son and much loved daughter in law, got here as soon as they could and set up their camper in my driveway so both they and I would have a bit of privacy. They have been so helpful.
Doug made up a notebook for me a couple of years ago; it has all kinds of information that I will need - things I need to do. He was always thinking and planning ahead, trying to make it easier for me. On the cover of the notebook he had written this: As I Live It Is By Grace. When I Die It Will Be In Glory.
The Celebration of Life service at church was held Saturday 9-19-20. It was live streamed for those who could not be there. We had a slide show of many photos of Doug over the years, with music. Both Pastor Zach and Pastor Tom spoke. Kelly got up and read aloud the memory cards that people had filled out - descriptions or memories of Doug in one or two words. Here are a few: Funny and warm, Tinkerer, Innovative, Never complained, Blessed, Brave, Fixer, Courageous, Generous, Humorous in a quiet way, Heroic, Doug's laugh, Loyal friend. I am so proud of my son; speaking about Doug was difficult to do. The first song was "I'll Fly Away"; the second and third were "I Need Thee Every Hour", and "Great is Thy Faithfulness".
It was very emotional but it was a true celebration, not a funeral.
Doug's ashes will be interred at Pikes Peak National Veteran's Cemetery on October 2 in Colorado Springs. I picked that date because that would have been our 42nd wedding anniversary. He will have full military honors.
I have so many emotions going on, and I am still getting rested from being exhausted for so long. Half of me is gone. But I am so blessed at the same time. Taking care of Doug was the hardest thing I have ever done. But I am so glad he was able to stay at home.
My little dogs are a comfort. They have been stressed too. My rest and recovery will take time but God has blessed me with many friends who are ready to help me whenever I need it.
Love to all.
"You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness. Psalm 18:28
"God Himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." Revelation 21:3-4
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